Failure
by Angel Dove1
Summary: -Oneshot-A horrible event in Jounouchi life leaves him believing that he is a failure and doesn't deserve to live. Will someone get there in time in order to save him before he takes matters into his own hands? M/M Yaoi, Warnings: suicidal thoughts and attempt more on the inside


Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-gi-oh or any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did.

So this winter feels longer, colder and snowier than it has been in a long time. I think I'm having cabin fever and wished I was a bear a few times so I can sleep through all of the winter, but unfortunately I need to earn a living and it requires trying to get through this winter. Ugh! I don't know why I'm complaining because others have it far worse than me, but I just had to get it out there. LOL I wrote this story during one of my off days when I couldn't do anything else but watch that miserable snow fall. Gosh I can't wait for spring.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts and suicidal attempt, mentions of rape, language

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Failure. That's what he felt like. He failed his family. He failed his friends. He failed himself. Everything was ruined. He could never show his face to anyone anymore. He pulled his shaking legs tighter against his chest and slammed his head against the wall behind him. He didn't feel like moving any further. What was the point? No one would want him around once they found out. He thought he could hide it, but Yugi and Atemu would sense the difference in his aura not to mention Honda would notice that he was acting differently. If his father noticed what happened and kicked him out for it then his friends wouldn't have any trouble.

Jounouchi opened his sore, heavy eyes and stared at the dirty motel floor. He had enough money from his most recent paycheck and his savings to pay for this filthy room for a week. Not that he planned on being around for that long. He scrubbed his chapped cheeks, attempting to get the signs of his tears off his face. He didn't know why he cared what he looked like, not that anyone he knew would see him. He slid his legs down, hissing as his backside rested entirely on the floor. He groaned, feeling sick as something leaked out from inside of him. He quickly pulled the small wastebasket over to him and vomited into it for the fifth time since he arrived. This time, there was nothing left in his stomach and only acid came up before he was reduced to dry heaves.

The blond slid the wastebasket away from him and closed his sore eyes again. Everything was going great. He finally earned his high school degree since he couldn't graduate with others he was forced to take more classes until he had enough credits to graduate. He got accepted into a college where he could major in culinary arts. He had dreams of owning his own restaurant and making so many people happy while eating his food. He had hoped that he would become so popular that Kaiba himself would come in. Then he wouldn't be some waste of space. He may even have the courage then to ask him on a date. The news a few weeks ago announced Kaiba as gay and gave Jounouchi a slight more hope. He knew it wouldn't take long to get his degree and start working in a restaurant. He had already saved up one hundred and eighty thousand yen for a deposit on a building. He knew enough to be able to fix up any dump, but he wanted it in a neighborhood that Kaiba wouldn't be ashamed to be seen in. Then once he earned enough money, he would be able to afford a good alcohol rehab for his father. Everything would be perfect.

Tears rolled down Jounouchi's face. One wrong decision. One bad night. That's all it took to ruin everything. He shouldn't have taken that alleyway. He knew that he didn't live in the safest neighborhood, and he should stick to the main roads at time, but he was excited. He wanted to show his father that he was accepted into college. He wasn't thinking clearly. They came out of nowhere, or he didn't see them in the shadows. He knew his hair color was rare for Japan. He used to hate being the only natural blond in school. Everyone picked on him in grade school for the color of his hair and the slight American accent he had. He was different and didn't belong, but when he met Honda and the rest of his friends. He knew that his hair and accent wasn't something to be ashamed of. Even the infamous Kaiba Seto paid attention to him though it was only to mock him. He noticed that the cold-hearted CEO never paid attention to anyone else but Yugi and himself. He didn't mock Honda nearly as much as him.

Jounouchi ran his fingers through his hair before gripping it tightly. This hair was what attracted them. This ridiculous hair. He should have known that it could never be accepted. He rose quickly, stumbling as pain ran through his legs. He pushed himself until he grabbed the pair of scissors he bought before entering this room. He ran into the bathroom, not caring about the liquid that ran down his legs. He didn't care if he was severely hurt. Nothing mattered anymore. He glanced at himself in the mirror. His eyes were completely red and had horrible blackness around them. His face was pale, nearly white. He ignored the image and grabbed strands of his hair. With each satisfying snip, he watched the blond hair he used to love float down to the land on the counter or the ground. It didn't matter anymore. Kaiba would never look at him again once he found out what happened. His hair was a curse again. He snipped and snipped until there was nothing left but uneven strands of his blond hair. He tried using the edge of the scissors to shave the rest away, but it wasn't budging. His head was nothing but bloody blond fuzz.

Once satisfied, he moved back into the room, this time sitting on the dirty bed. The blankets felt thin, but there was something on them. He couldn't tell what it was, but he knew soon it would be soaked with his blood. He stared at the scissors in his hand and placed them on the nightstand. He pushed the pillows up against the headrest and leaned against them. He didn't know why he was procrastinating. He knew exactly what he wanted to do. He thought of getting something for his last meal, but that would require venturing outside of this room. He wasn't planning on ever leaving alive. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling exhausted and hot. He suspected that they tore him enough to cause an infection. That would explain why he felt hot and cold at the same time with a pounding headache. He was still bleeding even though his attack was a day ago. Or was it two? How long was he here already?

He turned his head and glanced at the pad of paper sitting by the phone. It was odd that such a cheap room would supply paper and a pen. He guessed it wasn't too expensive to provide that. It was strange that he felt the urge to communicate with people after he died. He supposed he could tell someone why he did it and what happened. He reached for the paper and pen. Tears glistened the corner of his eyes as he struggled to figure out whom to address the letter to. He thought of Yugi, since they were best friends. They shared so much in common, and he knew that Yugi might not understand why he chose to do what he did, but he had Atemu there to help him. Jounouchi shook his head. No, he didn't want to put this burden on Yugi's shoulders. Honda was his oldest friend, but he knew that Honda would never understand. He would hate him for life for giving up. They did promise each other never to give up, and that they would become something more than what anyone expect them to become. Atemu? No. Defiantly not his parents or his sister.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought of his beloved sister. Shizuka. No. He would never write a note to his sister that would hurt her. He thought of telling her goodbye in a separate note, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was horrible enough that she would have to go through grieving his death. He was so ashamed with himself. He knew he was taking the easy way out and that plenty of other victims rose from the ashes. He just didn't have the strength to do it. He had no place to go. He could only afford this for a week. Somewhere deep down he knew that his friends would help him, but he didn't want to burden anyone. Plus, his fear was telling him that they would not want him near after they heard what happened. Before he knew it, he found the one person to address the note to. He placed the name at the top of the paper and ran his finger over the name. It felt strange writing his name fully out. He moved further down the paper and started his letter.

"Kaiba. No, Seto. I hope this letter found you. I know what you think of me and know that this won't make you think any better of me. You would probably hate me more, but I'm beyond the point of caring. I didn't know who to address my final words to. My friends wouldn't understand and didn't seem like the right choice. They would be distraught and unable to comprehend the reason to what I've done. I don't know why I need to explain myself, especially to you, but if you manage to read this entire letter, that means my life had something at the end."

Jounouchi took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. The tears were streaming again, but he didn't care. Some of them fell on the paper he held and some on his crossed legs. He continued on, "I don't know how many days ago, but it was the same day I was accepted into the college I've been struggling to get into. I'm sure with your skills you could find out which day. I've lost all track of time and only know that the pain is still here. I was almost home when I stupidly took an alleyway late at night. There were four of them. I tried to fight them off, but I couldn't do anything. I'm a failure. They..." Jounouchi stopped as his breathing increased.

He placed his hand over his heart, feeling like it was about to explode. His mouth dried, and he couldn't get his breathing to slow down. Shivers racked his body. Could he really write those words? He licked his lips and stared down at the paper. Yes, he would do this. He would not fail at the last thing he was going to do before he died. He continued on, more quickly than the first time. "They raped me. Over and over again. Constantly telling me how my natural blond hair was the reason they didn't just let me walk by. I'm sure when my body is found they would see the damaged done. I could still feel it. Once they finished and left me, I managed to drag myself through the streets. It hurt badly but I knew I wasn't too far from my home. My father took one look at me. He called me a fag and told me that I had no right to live in the same house as him before I had a chance to explain that I didn't want this.

I made it only as far as this smelly, dirty hotel. I bought a pair of scissors on the way, knowing that I could never face this world again. I'm sorry to put this burden on you. I know you are a busy person and have a lot on your mind. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger and push myself to get help like I should have. Please tell my friends that I'm sorry. They wouldn't understand if they would even look at me. Please tell my sister that I love her and will always love her. I wanted to make it long enough for her to get old enough to come visit me when she wanted. My father won't claim my body. It's okay. Let them do whatever they want with me. If I wasn't so weak and a failure, I might have been able to see some of my dreams come true. If you made it to the bottom, thank you for reading my last words. It means a lot to me."

Jounouchi signed his name at the bottom of the paper and placed it back on the nightstand. He knew that the police would read it first. He hoped that it would eventually get to Kaiba. He slid his hand over the scissors. He knew that they wouldn't get a deep cut at first. He would probably have to make several cuts. He had a long time before anyone would come to this room. There was plenty of time. It was odd looking downward and not having his hair falling in his eyes. He sighed and picked the scissors up. There was nothing left for him to do. He separated the blades and used the sharpened end to dig into his wrists. He pulled further up his arm. It hurt, but not nearly as much as it should. His mind was too numb to focus on the pain. Once he had several deep cuts on both arms, he lied further back into the pillows. The left arm wasn't as deep as the right only because he lost feeling in his fingers. He closed his eyes, feeling his blood leaving his wrists. It shouldn't take long. Darkness enveloped his senses, and he fell into the welcomed emptiness.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jounouchi heard his name echoing or the person was saying it over and over again. He didn't want to come out of the darkness. "Come back, Katsuya."

The simple phrase confused him. He wasn't going anywhere. And, who was calling him by his first name. Not even his friends called him that. He drifted further into the darkness but something kept nagging him, calling him. Growing frustrated, he slammed his eyes open and tried to sit up. He got a few inches off the mattress before something stopped him. The light blinded his eyes, and he squeezed them shut. He heard his name being called. "Shut the fuck up!" he shouted. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" Jounouchi struggled to get his arms to move, but they refused to shift more than an inch. He growled and cracked his eyes back open.

"That's a nice way to talk to me."

Jounouchi blinked. He knew that voice. The blond moved his head until he saw Kaiba sitting in a chair next to him. "Where am I?"

"At my mansion."

"Release me."

"Can't do that."

"Why?"

"You tried to kill yourself. The doctors think you're mentally unstable. You won't be released or left alone until they think you are stable."

"How long have I been here?"

"You've been inside of your own mind for over three months. Every time you would open your eyes, you would just stare at everything. This is the first time you've interacted with me."

"How did they find me?"

Kaiba crossed his legs and placed his hands on his lap. "They suggested that I not tell you. They don't want to trigger anything, especially since they don't know exactly what you're thinking."

"Since when do you do anything someone else tells you to do?" Jounouchi growled. He was furious that he couldn't successfully kill himself. Why must he always be a failure?

The CEO sighed before leaning over to the bed. He ran his fingers along the padded handcuffs that tied Jounouchi to the bed. He thought they were unnecessary while Jounouchi was locked in his own mind, but now he wondered if the blond would run away if he was freed. "The owner opened your door to demand money because the card you gave him didn't have any funds left on it. He thought you were scamming him. He called the ambulance, and they managed to save your life. The hospital called me after discovering that your note was addressed to me. I had you moved here once you were ready to leave the hospital and paid for a private doctor and a psychologist."

"That's not possible."

"What isn't?"

"There should have been one hundred and eighty thousand yen on that card." Jounouchi frowned. His father must have found his other card for the checking account and drained the account. He should have known something like that would have happened.

Kaiba rubbed his fingers along his nose. He could believe this. He was trying to keep his anger in check just like the psychologist said, but Jounouchi wasn't doing anything to help calm him.

"I can give you one hundred and eighty thousand yen back. Is that all you're concerned about?"

"No. It makes no difference about the money. I just thought I could give it to you for some of the medical cost. I won't need it."

The brunet clenched his fists together and sighed loudly. "I don't want you saying something like that."

"Why not? I'm such a failure. I can't even successfully kill myself," Jounouchi mumbled, feeling tears collecting in his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Kaiba. He didn't want to live anymore, but with his hands tied down, he can't finish the job. The entire event clouded his mind. He frowned and let the tears fall. He wished he had his hands free so he could wipe them away.

Kaiba stood and walked over to the blond. He was angry that this once feisty person would take the easy way out. He could understand, first being raped and then being abandoned, but he thought Jounouchi had enough sense to go to someone when he was in trouble. He was sure Yugi and his friends would help him, especially since they wanted to be the ones to alternate staying with Jounouchi. He gently wiped the tears from his eyes and placed his hand on his cheek. "You're not a failure. Something horrible happened to you and no one was there to help you." Kaiba dropped his hand and placed it gently on Jounouchi's shoulder. He gently released one of Jounouchi's hands and dropped the metal railing. He sat down beside Jounouchi and looked at him. "Never say something like that again." He gently picked up Jounouchi's hand.

The blond sighed and flexed his fingers until he wrapped them around Kaiba's. It felt like he was dreaming. He never would expect Kaiba being this nice. He felt strangely calm in his presence. The gentle touch didn't scare him. "Why do you care?"

The CEO ran his finger along Jounouchi's palm. "I don't want to lose you. I want you to tell me what those men looked like so I can make sure they knew exactly what they did to you and pay them back ten fold. I also want revenge against your father, but I know you'd never want something like that." With each phrase his blue eyes grew deeper with his anger.

Jounouchi felt his heart speed up. Why did this man care so much? He closed his eyes, feeling tired, but not wanting to go back to sleep. This Kaiba was the one he always wanted to see. The blond placed his hand on Kaiba's knee. "Will you stay with me?" he asked softly, cutting off Kaiba's rant.

"Will you promise me not to attempt suicide ever again?"

"I can't promise ever again, but for now I can promise that."

The CEO reached across Jounouchi and untied the other hand. Jounouchi placed his hand underneath himself and struggled to move until he was at the very edge of the bed. Kaiba stared at him for a moment, not sure what the blond was doing. He worried for a moment that he was going to run out of the room, not that Jounouchi would get far. Jounouchi held out his hand. "Will you help keep the nightmares away tonight?"

Kaiba stayed where he was for a few seconds, thinking about the dangers of being so close to Jounouchi. He worried that the blond would have a flashback and having someone near him would make it worse. The desperate look in the other's eyes made him decide to chance it. He straightened his long legs and slid underneath the warm covers. The bed was smaller than his usual king sized bed, but there was enough room for the both of them. Kaiba stayed on the other side, pulling the railing up so he can lean against it. He situated himself against the railing and placed his head down on the mattress.

Jounouchi moved the one pillow over to Kaiba and pushed it under his head. The CEO chuckled and made himself more comfortable. The blond pulled himself against Kaiba rested his head against the other's chest before he could protest.

Kaiba looked down at him, ready to protest, but the blond closed his eyes and his breathing evened out. He sighed softly and placed his one hand around Jounouchi and ran his fingers up and down his back. He watched the blond sleep, feeling slightly at ease now that Jounouchi was back into their reality. It was a hard three months, working from that room and having video conferences when needed. When he did have to leave, he would get Yugi and Atemu to watch over Jounouchi. The blond would spend those months sleeping or staring at the ceiling trapped in whatever torment his mind was giving him. Mokuba would deliver his meals to him and lead the doctors up to the room when they arrived.

A few hours passed and Kaiba knew that he should move to continue the work he was doing that morning, but Jounouchi seemed to be resting comfortably. The door creaked open, revealing Mokuba. He walked in quietly and placed Kaiba's dinner on the table. "Should you really be in bed with him?"

"He asked me to help him keep the nightmares away. He came back."

Mokuba smiled and stood at the bottom of the bed. "That's great news. Do you want me to call any of the doctors?"

"I need to know what his meals should be. Then call the psychologist and let him know he should come tomorrow. I want Jounouchi to get as much rest today as possible before someone starts pestering him. Is your homework done?"

"Of course."

"Get enough rest tonight."

"I will. Do you want me to call Yugi tonight?"

Kaiba looked over at the clock. "No, I'll call him tomorrow after the doctors are gone. I don't want him to feel overwhelmed."

"I agree. Remember to eat this before it gets cold. There is a small bowl of soup if you want to wake Jounouchi. I'm sure he can eat that."

"I don't know if I want to wake him. I'll think about it."

"Okay." Mokuba moved towards the door and opened it. He stopped for a second and turned towards Kaiba. "Get some rest, Nii-sama, your dark circles are showing."

"I will. Goodnight, Mokie,"

Mokuba opened the door further and went out of the room. He took one last look at both of them before closing the door just as quietly as he entered. Right after the door shut Jounouchi mumbled, "Soup sounds good."

Kaiba smiled and looked down at the blond who still had his eyes closed. "If you sit up, we can get something to eat."

The blond sighed and stretched. He slid out of Kaiba's arms and sat up. He rubbed his tired eyes. Food sounded great when Mokuba first entered the room, but now that he thought about when he remembered eating last, all the memories came back. He barely noticed when Kaiba turned to hand him the bowl of soup. He placed his hand on the spoon, but did nothing more.

Kaiba glanced at him. "Don't go back into your mind. Stay with me."

"I-I'm not," Jounouchi stuttered. "Just had a bad thought."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was just a passing thought. I remembered that the last time I ate was the morning everything happened."

"Don't think about that. Focus on this moment. Eat slowly."

Jounouchi smiled softly and took his first bite. The warm substance felt wonderful against the slight shiver in his body. It tasted delicious and made the empty hole in his stomach fill nicely. He enjoyed the soup, not paying attention to what Kaiba was eating. "Have you been with me this entire time?"

"Mostly. When I had to go into the office, Yugi and Atemu would sit with you."

"Wouldn't that hurt your work?"

"Not really. I did everything from the desk in the corner. I had video conferences with my staff instead of being there in person. Everything is fine. I didn't want you waking up with some stranger in the room and Yugi had to run the shop with his grandfather on an expedition. Truthfully, I was afraid that you would become worse if someone was here that you didn't recognize when you came back to reality."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I know you would be there for me if something like this happened to me. I'm here for you."

"I would even if we were enemies. No one deserves to be...to be..."

"It's okay. You don't have to talk about it now."

Jounouchi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I feel like I need to, but I don't know if I should. I feel confused and tired."

Kaiba moved the tray off his lap and placed it back on the nightstand. "Don't push yourself. I'm more than willing to listen. I know most of it since you wrote it in your letter, but if it will make you feel better to voice it, please do that." The brunet took the empty bowl from Jounouchi and wrapped his arms around him, giving him a gentle hug.

Tears collected at Jounouchi's eyes. He felt irritated that he couldn't shake this feeling of helplessness. Kaiba shifted their pillows until they were resting against the headboard. He sat back and pulled Jounouchi into his arms in-between his legs. The brunet frowned, feeling the slight tremors in the blond's body. He gentle reached up and ran his fingers through the blond hair that was struggling to grow back. The police report showed evidence that Jounouchi cut his own hair and Kaiba knew the answer why just by reading his letter. His other hand ran along Jounouchi's shoulder, keeping the blond's head against his chest. This seemed to calm the blond.

"I had a lot of dreams."

"You can still have them."

The blond sighed. "It won't be the same now. Plus, I missed two months of my courses. I'm sure they've already expelled me. I don't have the money at this moment to pay for another test and semester."

"What were you majoring in?"

"Culinary Arts. I wanted to open my own restaurant."

"You still can. I can help you if you want, or you can try again without help. Life isn't over. You can still fulfill your dreams."

Jounouchi turned to look at Kaiba. "Why are you treating me so kindly? Why didn't you just leave me in the hospital? Why do you feel the need to stay with me when you have more important things to do?"

"I will answer all those questions if you answer my one question truthfully." Jounouchi frowned before nodding slowly. "Why did you address the letter to me? If you didn't want to address it to any of your friends you could have addressed it to whoever finds you. Why me?"

The blond took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He really wanted to know the answers to his questions, but in order to learn them he had to reveal his darkest secret. If he did that, he risked Kaiba being disgusted and tossing him out. That could lead to his benefit. He wouldn't have to hold his promise to the man, and he would make sure that he ended his life then. He wouldn't have anything left to live for. If he didn't tell him the truth, he could live in this happy lie for a little while longer. Deciding that he would rather know sooner than later, Jounouchi turned around and knelt in between the brunet's legs. He closed his eyes and let his breathing slow even though his heart felt like it was about the rip from his chest.

"I wanted to add something to the end of the letter. Something that would make more sense on why I wanted you to have my note. I didn't think I would ever be ready to tell this to you, but it's time to put some of my fears to rest. Kaiba, I wrote the letter so that I could tell you that I love you, but I lost the courage to write that in the letter. I'd understand if you didn't want to be near me ever again."

Jounouchi moved away from the brunet, only to be pulled back. Their lips were centimeters apart. The blond's breathing spiked. Kaiba opened his eyes and stared at him, not wanting to scare him further. "I'm sorry," he whispered, letting go of Jounouchi. "I wanted to kiss you to show you that I love you. I didn't mean to scare you." Kaiba wiped the tears from his eyes.

"What did you say?"

"That I was sorry."

"No, after that."

Kaiba smiled and gently ran his finger over Jounouchi's lips. "The reason I'm being nice to you and spending all this time with you is because I love you. I want to help you through this not because I feel obligated since you wrote that note to me, but because I love you."

Jounouchi smiled softly and placed his forehead against Kaiba's warm chest. His heart felt lighter like some of his worries melted away from him. The blond lied back down with his side against Kaiba's chest. The CEO returned to running his fingers through his hair. "I wanted to create a restaurant that you would want to come to and then I'd confess to you once you finished your dinner."

The CEO chuckled. "You still could make your restaurant and we'll think of something else you could do when I come for dinner."

The blond sighed. "If I continue down that path."

"You should. It was your dream after all. I'll give you all the help you need."

Jounouchi closed his eyes and placed his hand over Kaiba's heart. "Will you let me think about it?"

"I wasn't expecting a decision right away. Take as long as you need."

The blond put his hand over his mouth to hide his yawn. He didn't notice he was drifting. Kaiba's voice echoed more, Jounouchi's eyes felt heavy and his body felt like gelatin. He felt safe in those strong arms. Safe enough to fall into a much need sleep. He didn't know what the future held but he knew he had one of his dreams fulfilled. Could he truly go on living with Kaiba by his side? If only he could shake that fear and disgust that was still remained deep in his soul. It scared him when Kaiba went to kiss him. He didn't want to feel that fear anymore. He wanted to return to how he used to be, but how? He didn't have his father and his home anymore. He had his friends, his sister and he had Kaiba most of all. Shouldn't that be all he needed in order to feel like himself again? Yeah, that was defiantly all he needed. Now, what was the first step? He took one last look at Kaiba before making himself comfortable again. He had an idea on what to do first; he had to stop thinking of himself as a failure, but as someone worth spending time with. That was going to be a hard thing to achieve, but he was willing to attempt, especially for Kaiba. He wanted to be with Kaiba, one way or the other even now that he knew the slightly older man felt the same way. Failures could make a person stronger. So why not him?

HHHHHHHHHHHHH

There's that story. I struggled with where to end it. I thought about making it go further or stopping it sooner until I came with this ending. I hope everyone liked it. Again, I don't know what or when my next story would be. Hopefully I'll think of something longer than just a oneshot, but who knows. Thank you all for reading. Please review.

Angel Dove


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